I found myself in a parallel world for the next couple months waking up and smoking anything I could get my hands on and in larger quantities. I was unsuccessful in my attempts even though I ended up bashing my head on the road by loosening the front tires on a hill. It lightens my sorrow but it wasn’t what I was looking for as I continued to try to kill myself in order to kill my thoughts. I was listening to "back in my head" one day and was thinking to myself “that’s what I’ve always wanted…” Tegan and Sarah communicated to me in ways through that song that nobody else had or else I would have been okay. At the time it was summer and I sunk into a world of drugs (painkillers, weed, alcohol, anything to occupant me) which numb the pain and turned me into a crackhead. When fantasies weren’t enough to repress the love I felt for her racy thoughts flooded my mind 24 hours of the day.
She became my drug and if the delusions and dreams weren’t enough I couldn’t get her out of my head. I became the complete opposite of myself and didn’t care because it kept me happy and “well” under the enormous amounts of stresses I was feeling from school. There was times where people noticed my strange behaviour so I had to withdraw into myself in order to get away from them. It got so bad that I began seeing her during the day and talking to her while lucid dreaming. I thought I could manage my insomnia raged on for nights on end making it difficult to tell reality from delusional during daylight. Ripping my heart of my chest when she wishes death on me I had no reason to live because at this point I was already loner waiting to see her university of next year. Tegan too was left behind in the video with her ghosts, her thoughts, etc. And so began my walk with a ghost, a ghost which nearly killed me off and sent me deeper down a pit for a year.
In my mind I couldn't let go because like Tegan and Sarah she was the only one who had glimpse of my soul. The month before my girlfriend had dumped because I was no longer the same person that she fell in love with. I started listening to Tegan and Sarah a year ago when I heard "feel it in my bones." What affected me was their voice distinguished itself over the noise and crap you sometimes hear on the radio. I was walking with a unreal on what level a song can speak to you maybe even guide you out of your situation. This is also the first song that catapulted Tegan and Sara onto the main stage, mainly because of a very popular cover by the White Stripes.(I said please) out of my mind, out of my mind Some would call it an imaginary friend I call it a ghost.” She also conceived of the music video while at home on codeine after having all of her wisdom teeth pulled out. Sara wrote the song while living in Montreal: “It’s kind of a cheesy metaphor for walking around the city feeling like the person I wanted to date was hanging out with me, but they weren’t. It doesn’t work every time on So Jealous but when it does, it’s damn effective. It’s like that trick that comedy writers sometimes pull where they repeat a dumb joke ad nauseam until it flips around on itself and becomes funny. It’s an interesting experiment in songwriting, cutting the bullshit out of pop and just getting straight to the hook – all chorus, no verse. It derives meaning from small variations, things like “no matter which way you go, no matter which way you stay” and the inflection of “ out of my mind, out of my mind,” both trying to forget someone and admitting her growing insanity by doing so. “Walking With A Ghost” is the best example of this. Most of Sara’s songs on So Jealous are cyclical, repeating themselves over and over and over again, as if she’s trying to convince herself of something and if she just says it enough, maybe it’ll come true.
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